Kellie my Kellie, were you ever here.

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Kellie was such a perfectly formed beautiful baby. Before she was 1 year old, her mother and I used to make a corral out of our knees on the bed, and on Saturday and Sunday mornings, spend hours just watching her amble around the space. We were awe struck and couldn't take our eyes off her.



I suppose all kids can't wait to grow up. Before Kellie could go to school, Ceci would fix her lunch, give her a few books and she would wait at the school bus stop with her older brother and watch him ride away to where she wanted to go.



Before she got into high school she was in sync with the family I suppose, yet I noticed there was something behind her eyes. A mysterious, far away look that blocked me out and manipulated my feelings. I hoped it was just that I didn't have that mother thing. While I seemed to be window dressing or for when the father thing was needed.



Kellie was so fragile in many ways, and I worried for her constantly, as I still do, every waking hour. She did however, seem to get into everything physical; Black belt in karate, basketball, and jumped hurdles in track. In the performing arts she chose was some music, art classes and photography. Maybe because I was an Art Teacher, played several instruments, and into photography, and maybe not. Fathers never seem to know.



I was super proud of her graduation, mostly because she so wanted me there, and to hold her on that day. I didn't know it was farewell. Soon after that she bolted for California, to the rich and party town of Santa Barbra. I was stunned, hurt and heavy worry came over me. It's like standing on a highway lane, waiting to be hit by a truck. She promised me she would go to our small college for two years before striking out. My plans were to convince her to go to the larger University. The worry has not subsided in me. Will it ever? Daughters have a way of manipulating your love on the sidelines of their life. Maybe when she's a little older, she'll come back one day, and warm my heart. God how I love her!